Renée, a woman in her forties, has been in an ‘LAT-relationship’ for over 4 years now and is starting to wonder whether it is working for her? She consulted Rika Ponnet, the relational therapist who gives advice on VRT Radio.
After a divorce Renée found a new lease of life in a relationship with someone she describes as “a dear and mild-mannered man”. “We got off to such a great start” she says and are extremely well-suited to each other. “I’ve never felt better with anybody else, but we’re stuck in this LAT relationship that doesn’t evolve. At the start we wanted time and a peaceful atmosphere to allow the children to get used to each other. That phase is now behind us. My partner is quite happy with things as they are, but I am moving away from him. It’s mostly me who has to move house every week. I’m exhausted. Tired of doing my suitcase, tired of all the odd jobs that never get done. Nowhere can I find peace” she tells Rika.
“My partner simply won’t discuss living together, largely as a result of the influence his parents wield. After a failed marriage his parents don’t want him making any big commitments. How can we make a success of our LAT-relationship? Can relationships like these succeed?”
“Many people are struggling with situations like this” says Rika. “It may seem “the best of both worlds”, both partners have a place of their own and can have fun with their kids and in addition have a relationship as a couple”.
“It’s the practical side of things where problems often emerge, definitely when the first love has waned. Keeping up an LAT-relationship over a long period requires considerable effort and numerous practical arrangements. You need to organise so many things with each other, much more than if you live together. It can prove to be quite a challenge!”
“Often, I see people evolving to a ‘living together relationship’. Initially the LAT-relationship is a practical choice, because the partners don’t know each other very well, because it looks too risky merging wo families together. It’s similar to the experience of children of divorced parents. ‘We live out of suitcases and are always on the move’ they say”.
“Pros and cons in a relationship like this need to be divided equally. In Renée’s case the guy is playing the home match and she always has to travel. At a home match you’re at an advantage: you feel at home, there’s no stress, because your partner always enters your world. I’m not seeing Renée’s partner enter her world at all”.
“I suspect not a lot has been discussed, but these seem to be two amenable people. A first step will be to indicate that the set-up is requiring an awful lot of energy”.
“There doesn’t seem to be any balance. It’s up to Renée to make that clear to her partner. Otherwise, the end is in sight because she is getting totally exhausted. Still, my impression is, this is a guy open to discussion!”