Earlier this month we celebrated Valentine’s Day. Over the years it has become a celebration of loved ones in a marriage, partnership or permanent relationship, but in the United States, on the eve of Valentine’s Day, National Mistress Day is also celebrated. This is more a celebration of “unofficial relationships”.
Often people still believe in that one great love, the person we will spend the rest of our life with, but sometimes everyday life can’t live up to this ideal. People end up with a string of different relationships or take a lover in addition to their existing partner.
Why are people unfaithful? It’s a question VRT put to relational therapist Rika Ponnet. “I don’t like to use the word adultery” says Rika. “I feel it’s a very weighted term. It makes it sound like there is a culprit and a victim. Sometimes people feel that is what they are at some stage in the affair, but it doesn’t help to see yourself or the other person in this way or to be too moralising. After a while people often get a more nuanced picture: what does this say about the way we shaped our relationship?”
“I’d prefer to speak of a second relationship or satellite relationship. It’s a more neutral description, because you take the first relationship as your point of departure and that remains the basis. Still, I don’t want to minimise the pain and suffering that people can inflict”.
So, why don’t people succeed in maintaining a first relationship and embark upon a second, often when the first isn’t finished? “Partly it’s got to do with life expectancy” opines Rika. “You’ve got a far better chance of starting a second relationship if you live to 80 than if you die at 40”.
The way Flemish people see marriage and relationships has also developed over the years.
“Marriage used to be an economic affair, a social institution in which men and women team up to have and bring up children in a safe environment. Sexual, psychological and emotional needs were a side show. But people always had them and it’s quite logical people wish to fulfil them”.
“Today we see that expectations within a marriage or permanent relationship are different. It’s all about fulfilling these needs. It makes the relationship richer, but also introduces limitations. These are vulnerable needs and after a while in a permanent relationship people may no longer feel satisfied. To fulfil these needs they may embark on a second relationship”.
“It’s easier to be a good economic partner for your partner: I’ll look after the home, you make sure we have an income. Expectations like having a soulmate, a bestest friend, retaining your sexual allure. That’s a challenge we don’t control and which may fail over time”.
There are other reasons for embarking on a second relationship too: the first relationship may be too demanding. “We feel suffocated and can no longer be ourselves or it may display shortcomings. In that case a second relationship may form an escape route allowing us to be ourselves. Intimacy is often lacking in the first relationship after a while and I’m not just talking about sexual intimacy!”.
Rika says people don’t decide to become a lover.
“That would mean it was a rational decision, but it’s not something people consciously choose. Some people for a while enjoy being the lover, especially when you have just exited a long relationship. It’s exciting! A relationship without commitment with all the benefits and none of the disadvantages. You get the diners and the sex, but not the dirty laundry”.
“There is the feeling of being chosen and that can be a very strong motivation. Somebody in a permanent relationship with a house and kids, choses you and gives you a lot of attention”.
This good feeling may not last.
“If the second relationship lasts, the feeling ‘I am second choice’ may surface. You’re not there for all the great moments. The lover starts to feel not all their needs are being met. All the fun days are set aside for the first partner, no Valentine’s Day, but the previous day, no Christmas, but the day before”.
“Deep intimacy isn’t only about sharing the fun times, but also about sharing the lows”.
The duped partner may not be aware of the lover.
“We shouldn’t minimise this. Everybody pays a price, even the partner who doesn’t start the second relationship. It can be a very painful experience when the first partner becomes aware of the lover”.
“People may not be aware their partners are being unfaithful if it’s a short relationship, but if it’s longer they are bound to become aware” says Rika. “People know consciously or subconsciously and will often take it on the chin. They chose avoidance instead of conflict, out of fear of losing everything”.
Suddenly discovering the existence of a second relationship usually means the end of this relationship but can also herald the end of the first!
“I think we often underestimate the pragmatism of relationships. People say ‘If my partner is unfaithful, our relationship will end’, but it’s not always that simple. You can get divorced but it remains a profound experience of loss for everybody”.
“Often people accept their partner’s infidelity. They are afraid they could lose everything. If you’re in a relationship, you remain the first partner. You’ve got the house, the kids. People accept it”.
Sometimes other reasons are in play.
“Some people are fed up with fulfilling some of their partners needs. Things are agreed. We’ll sleep in separate beds, but stay together for the outside world”.
In this way the second relationship helps the first relationship to survive. There are stories about couples whose relationship becomes stronger after an infidelity, but can that be true?
“That is an exceptional challenge” says Rika. “A second relationship inflicts such a wound. It’s a profound break in trust. Don’t minimise it”.
“People who do overcome a bad patch may get new insights. When people take mediation, you see questions surface. What were you missing? What did I do wrong? How can we prevent any future repeat?”
Rika points to the Belgian-American therapist Esther Perel: “She says that after a second relationship, you embark upon a second marriage with new agreements, a new way of dealing with each other. By that time people have a more realistic view on what a relationship can mean and a better view of yourself or are milder judging the role of each partner”.